by Kasia Gabinska
“Do you want kids?” Up until around a year ago, this question secretly gutted me.
I clandestinely cried at baby showers. I squeezed and smelled every baby that I got to hold, perhaps a little too much. I’d notice the little moments my friends had with their newborns and I yearned for those moments too. Simply observing the joy when their babies made eye contact or smiled, often made my eyes start to sting. WOW, it was a confusing time. I was so insanely happy for them, yet there was a part of me that was envious. I really really really wanted to know this type of love too.
Today, I welcome this question with raw honesty. “Do you want kids?” “Yes I do. I actually can’t have kids.” Occasionally, my bluntness is met uncomfortably or with an awkward “I’m sorry”. “Oh, that’s ok.” and the conversation ends. Most of the time, it is met with gentleness, non-judgement and curiosity, open to conversation. Which I really appreciate, because these conversations should feel ok to have more casually (if you are ready and want to, of course). For me, I had to address the elephant in the room. I needed to get it off my chest. I didn’t want to carry around this big, sad secret anymore. I started scribbling down every moment that I grieved.
This song is for the woman in me who really wants to have her own baby. I’ll never not be sad. I’ll never stop yearning for it. But now I understand that one day, I can experience every moment I wrote into this song, if I want to. It may look a little different than what I imagined. I LOVE being a woman. Infertility does not make me any less of a woman. This is something that can’t ever be taken away from womanhood. It is still ours. All of it is ours. The magic and the painful parts. Yes I still cry, sob, laugh, yell, write, be alone, be with anyone, eat, run, sleep and feel when I need to. But now more so than ever, I walk a little lighter, with a tiny bit less grief. Hearing stories of infertility made me feel much less alone. The closest women in my life sharing their stories made me heal faster. I slowly gained confidence and fully accepted this piece of myself.
This song is for anyone who relates to infertility. I hope my lyrics give you permission to feel and process anything that might be bubbling inside. My favourite lyric: “In the quiet of this dreary night, I know all is well with time… but that doesn’t stop the wanting of your heartbeat next to mine.”