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My Struggle With Fertility

This is what being triggered can look like for me.

The first image is grief, rage, and depression. The second is all of the emotions hitting at once.

Finally the third, masking inside so it doesn’t reflect outside.

#fertility is something I have been going through for over 7 years. This round of fertility has been more intense than ever before. Fertility and my triggers don’t always make sense; from someone talking about the adjustment to two kids, to someone even just talking about emotions in any way. None of it makes sense to me. I can’t break it down, and put the pieces in an order that makes sense in my mind.

I made the decision going into this months iui results, that this would be the end of my journey until a day, that may never come, where I am ready mentally and physically to do this again. The last 3 times I have taken progesterone I had adverse and allergic reactions, which means I might not be able to take it going forward, keeping my risk of miscarriage high. The decision comes at a cost; the cost of my future I envisioned, the cost of my daughter growing up without a sibling, the cost of our family not growing in size.

I have held in for so long, how much anger and rage I feel over all of this. It’s not healthy, and it’s not supportive to myself. I work through it with a therapist, who I wish I could see every day. My daughter suffers from my mental health state, when Matt has to leave for work, and I’m not able to regulate myself from triggers that happen. It’s not productive to myself, my child, or my family. Some days are better than others, but most of the time lately it’s bad out weighing the good. I try to tell myself, and remind myself to be kind to my body. It didn’t put me in this position on purpose, however, that has been very difficult. I have always taken pride in how I have been strong, and handled all of the things life has thrown at me or my way. I took everything in stride, focusing on the road ahead, that small light that I wanted to grow at the end of whatever had happened. I find it more and more difficult to stay positive, to be strong, to hold my head high.

Fertility fucking sucks.

*written by Butterfly Run Vancouver Committee Member Chelsea Hardy

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